Sunday, November 5, 2017


As the year is nearing its end, we have to meet the quota of posts and that leads to this simple post. I have transcribed the ‘funniest’ monologue about chee… er… Adventure by legendary English comic James Acaster.

I’m not a very adventurous person. I have only ever used one side of a cheese grater. Got no idea what the other three sides even do. I’m not the only one either. Everyone knows what side I'm talking about, right? Big holes! Got no time for small holes & tiny holes. Don’t know if you’ve ever seen… it’s the roughest side of anything I've ever seen in my life! Small holes: It’s rows of tiny little spikes so I'm going to use that side in self-defense. Then you got to wash it. Don’t know how you negotiate that? How you wash something that is rougher than your own scouring pad? Interestingly, the only thing rough enough to wash a cheese grater is a second cheese grater.

I refuse to believe that anyone has ever used the side with the three curvy slits in it. Don’t need ’em. Get rid of ’em, replace ’em with something that I'd actually use in my day-to-day cheese needs. Like, for me, it’d be a device that, in one smooth downward motion, completely unwraps a Babybel. Someone told me the other day that the three curvy slits are used for slicing cheese… apparently. It’s the word on the street. Now, if I'm gonna slice cheese, my first port of call is seldom the grater. Call me old-fashioned, I'm a knifeman. Might as well be fuddy n’ duddy but I like it, it’s unpredictable. You always start out…(with one hand moving vertically through air) You’re thinking, well, this cheese cutting is going excellently, oh yes… You just pass the halfway mark and the cheese takes over…(the path of hand curves now to become horizontal) Can’t reverse it, it’s made its mind up now… And yeah, now you’ve got a slice of cheese half the size you wanted in the first place, but at least you got some stories.

James Acaster


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